It's been almost a month since last post. That density is proportional to the amount of work done. I feel almost stuck, with some episodes of awareness. Episodes that have been sign of hope, but that have cause no real change so far.
I've been complaining about the daily traffic jump, and the hours invested on preparing to teach the Logic course. These are not the final reasons. That could have cause, let's say, 50% less productivity.
Real reasons seems to be:
Fear of writing, specially in English. For example, I've work on introductory material, setting up definitions and frameworks, but everything I write sounds like crap.
Fear of not being able to write a dissertation. When I see small or big holes, weak argumentation, etc, I feel I will never be able to close the loop and have something meaningful.
Meanwhile, I've been solving out infrastructure problems. I'm finally buying a car -from by brother- that will allow to choose want to stay or leave. I want to expend days in the
IVIC library. It was great to work there. I still need to unlock my cell phone, buy a printer, change a router, visit our cable provider for a refund, etc.
These weeks I have work on the course I'm teaching, and the final exam is next monday. I'll grade all the exams as fast as possible, and offer the revision oportunity, and that's it. Done with teaching by this year.
Christmas is approaching very fast. We haven't decide what are we going to do. Where with who, how many of us, etc. Anyway, I'll try to hard work, to gain speed again. Not talking about deadlines or whatever this time.
My advisor wrote me an email a few days ago asking about the situation. I told him basically what I'm writing here. He insisted on having big blocks for working, alone, in a quite place, setting up deadlines, and don't play too much with the document.
Another problem is that I'm lacking some of my basic infrastructure for recentering myself. I haven't take space for silence and listening to the deepest causes of my fight for doing something in life. Me and my wife are about to start meeting again with church group related with one we had back in Barcelona. That sounds good, and will help me. But this is not a self-help actitivy, even though it has therapy effects. It's more about what do I want to do with my life, and who I want to do it with. This is serious, and I like it.
I have tons of dreams for my after-thesis life, but all seems to be so far away. As I get stuck on this work, I accumulate lack of confidence in myself as a researcher. That's probably not that true. And anyway, I've been able to overcome my limitations and do some work. I can't deny that. I just have to work, and be careful my defects don't interfere that much. This is possible, I have seen it in my life.
So, this weekend we will finish the exam. I'll read some proof for a paper pending on in Barcelona, and try to finish a project to get some funding in my university. That's like work. After I finish the exam, real work will come.
)
edizquierdo
