I won't make it, yet
It seems I'll need to extend my trip another month. I won't be able to have everything printed by September 3th. Me and my advisor spend like two hours seeing 20 page of the background part of the document. It was frustrating on one hand, but I got a best idea of how the text should be in general.
- I have to remember who are going to this document and what background they have.
- I should resist the temptation of making unnecessary forward references. Whenever I get to a point that will be very important in the future, I feel the urgency of making an statement. Sometimes the reader are just not able to follow what I'm saying as they are not aware of the whole text, as I am. Also, the idea maybe important but just interrupt the flow.
- I need to be more precise, in general.
- I tend to be loose when I talk even about technical topics. That's cultural but it is also my first approach to many topics. Get the general idea, see the connection between them.
- I also know how to work out the details. That needs still improvement, but I've became pretty good at closing the gaps in my work. Almost 6 years of PhD haven't been entirely lost.
- The problem is when I write. Sometimes I just don't recognize when I'm been too informal or not very clear. That's old stuff. Some people still remember me as a guy that speaks complicate. I don't want that, seriously; but it has been part of me for a long time and still need a lot of work. While writing the thesis, some times I realize when I'm hand-waving but sometimes I just lack the vocabulary or the writings abilities for getting a sharp sentence that says exactly what I'm trying to say. This won't be corrected now, obviously, and I'm going to learn.
And that's it. To having document that honors the work of this year, that explain clearly, I need to make many iterations myself and have the text revised for a few friends, and maybe by a professional that will be paid from my pocket. A month a one week is not enough.
May I have done it better? Probably some body else could have done it better, and finish before and write better than myself, and have more power of focus. What about me? Sometimes I'm surprised of having come such a long way. How hard it was for me to learn some English, for example. My teachers in my town were very good... people, but I barely learn any English. How did I end up doing something that requires from me something I don't have. The problem is that I'm half cursed, half blessed. I love this work. Seriously. I'm not good at it, but I love it. It is not that, oh poor me, I didn't have the appropiate education, etc. I didn't, but that's not the point. I have serious personal drawbacks to do any serious research on my life and however, I've been trying hard. Not every day, not always in a good way, but I've tried. So, here I am, a few miles away from I was born. Exactly I as want to be, not for leaving home but for growing and be also a person that not only can do what I was born to, but also some things that I've learned to do. I won't make it for September 3th, but I'll do for next month. That's a mess. I've asked for permission of two months. I got. I've been looking for finantial support for two months. I have bought the tickets for two months. And now I'll need to add an extra month. Paying for changing the ticket, stay 50% more that I planned in a place far far more expensive that my country, even with the help of a convenient exchange rate I may get when sending me some money before leaving. I'll leave my wife here for thee months instead of two, that were already like very long time. I feel very frustrated today. Overwhelmed. Asking me myself why it is so hard for me, feeling that it is just too much. I will insist, as usual. But today, today, it has been very very hard. I finally got to the IVIC almost at 6pm and have spent one hour writing this, but I needed to balance the situation. Ask for help. I got it. I'm so grateful to the people who have support me in my life, and during this hard period. I'm always been very lucky, mostly through friends and workmates. Now it's not being different, it is just more difficult. I'm going to make it, soon.
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