Conformant thesis

I won't make it, yet

It seems I'll need to extend my trip another month. I won't be able to have everything printed by September 3th. Me and my advisor spend like two hours seeing 20 page of the background part of the document. It was frustrating on one hand, but I got a best idea of how the text should be in general.

• I have to remember who are going to this document and what background they have.
• I should resist the temptation of making unnecessary forward references. Whenever I get to a point that will be very important in the future, I feel the urgency of making an statement. Sometimes the reader are just not able to follow what I'm saying as they are not aware of the whole text, as I am. Also, the idea maybe important but just interrupt  the flow.
• I need to be more precise, in general.
  
  • I tend to be loose when I talk even about technical topics. That's cultural but it is also my first approach to many topics. Get the general idea, see the connection between them.
  • I also know how to work out the details. That needs still improvement, but I've became pretty good at closing the gaps in my work. Almost 6 years of PhD haven't been entirely lost.
  • The problem is when I write. Sometimes I just don't recognize when I'm been too informal or not very clear. That's old stuff. Some people still remember me as a guy that speaks complicate. I don't want that, seriously; but it has been part of me for a long time and still need a lot of work. While writing the thesis, some times I realize when I'm hand-waving but sometimes I just lack the vocabulary or the writings abilities for getting a sharp sentence that says exactly what I'm trying to say. This won't be corrected now, obviously, and I'm going to learn.

And that's it. To having document that honors the work of this year, that explain clearly, I need to make many iterations myself and have the text revised for a few friends, and maybe by a professional that will be paid from my pocket. A month a one week is not enough.

May I have done it better? Probably some body else could have done it better, and finish before and write better than myself, and have more power of focus. What about me? Sometimes I'm surprised of having come such a long way. How hard it was for me to learn some English, for example. My teachers in my town were very good... people, but I barely learn any English. How did I end up doing something that requires from me something I don't have. The problem is that I'm half cursed, half blessed. I love this work. Seriously. I'm not good at it, but I love it. It is not that, oh poor me, I didn't have the appropiate education, etc. I didn't, but that's not the point. I have serious personal drawbacks to do any serious research on my life and however, I've been trying hard. Not every day, not always in a good way, but I've tried.

So, here I am, a few miles away from I was born. Exactly I as want to be, not for leaving home but for growing and be also a person that not only can do what I was born to, but also some things that I've learned to do.

I won't make it for September 3th, but I'll do for next month. That's a mess. I've asked for permission of two months. I got. I've been looking for finantial support for two months. I have bought the tickets for two months. And now I'll need to add an extra month. Paying for changing the ticket, stay 50% more that I planned in a place far far more expensive that my country, even with the help of a convenient exchange rate I may get when sending me some money before leaving. I'll leave my wife here for thee months instead of two, that were already like very long time.

I feel very frustrated today. Overwhelmed. Asking me myself why it is so hard for me, feeling that it is just too much. I will insist, as usual. But today, today, it has been very very hard. I finally got to the IVIC almost at 6pm and have spent one hour writing this, but I needed to balance the situation. Ask for help. I got it.

I'm so grateful to the people who have support me in my life, and during this hard period. I'm always been very lucky, mostly through friends and workmates. Now it's not being different, it is just more difficult. I'm going to make it, soon.

Hills and Songs

I was taking a break in the library, after having writing a few conclusions in a chapter. Through the window I can see one, two, until eight lines of hills in this beautiful mountain area. Outside, in the basement, there a group of birds, with slight differences between them, as Charles Darwin would have enjoyed to see. Next to them there are some trees I can recognize from Panaquire, the town where I grew up. Seeing in the following hills, through the mild, a surprise. There was someone, riding a horse, exactly over one of those hills, going slowly and happy to the clouds in this sunset sky.

I was singing Sabana (by Simon Diaz) and La Guacara (by Gualberto Ibarreto). The mood I got from those songs probably make realize all these details I just mentioned out. It may be the other way around too. You never know. Great and horrible things happend before they even appear on the consious mind.

BTW, I really need to present the thesis before summer. Otherwise it is going to be a messed. Next days I'm going to imagen I have a deadline and try to rush. For presenting by June, I guess I need to be sending the document to the department and selecting a jury* by mid-april. That means a month and a half left. Almost possible. Let's see.

PS: You are more than welcome to make comments about my English. I'm not revising any text written in this blog, as it's just for leaving a trace, having a break, and doing it in English, the language I'm written my dissertation in.

* Is it "tribunal" or "jury"? I don't have a diccionary here, offline. I'll write it down: have a real dictionary installed here in my ubuntu laptop.

Schedule for finishing all

I'm finally catching up with preparing lectures. I've set up a set of soft deadlines for finishing writing by mid april. The mindmap was done using VYM (view your mind), an awesome tool I'm using nowadays for keeping track of things TODO. I still have a memo in my Palm TX, but for having everything in perspective, this graphical way may fit better for me.

I worked last saturday in the library in the Venezuelan Institute for Scientific Research (IVIC). I worked something like half of the time. Other time was invested on reading journals. I was suppose to work yesterday afternoon late, but I have a cold, so that's ok. I was also suppose to work today morning, but I needed to finish things up for lecture, this afternoon.

Today, I'm going to finish some stuff, and tomorrow I'll spend the whole day in IVIC library.

Also, I've setup work meetings for a college who is also trying to finish PhD thesis. She didn't shown up yesterday. Next meeting is on Friday, so we are willing to meet twice a week. Let's see if it helps.

BTW, Venezuelan political situation is getting complicated. I'm trying to not be distracted by it and work. I haven't been very good at it, having written a few post in my main mainly-political blog Rayas y Palabras (in spanish, btw). I'll try to publish a few post, trying to write them bad and not caring about. Trying to get them right is far more time consuming. Part of my schedule is to allow myself to do better coverage and analysis of Refedendum on Feb/15th if I'm on time with writing. On time, giving the schedule I've set up now, of course.

I'm not precisely hurrying up to finishing up, but pretending that if I work, something will advance, and that by that advance and will finish. That really sounds like wishful thinking, but it won't be the first time I progress by not hearing to that kind of voices inside me.

Releasing Code

About the rest of my work: We have made a submission to an important conference (not a part of my thesis). I have bid on papers for reviewing for the same conference. The term has started, and I'm trying to do my best so that the students learn and approve, both.

I should have release the software I've done for my thesis some months ago. This is done, so I'll do that in case any body wants to have a look at it. It's not that bad, but it's messy in some sense.

Also, I have set up a working meeting with a friend in my research group who is also trying to finish her PhD Thesis. Tomorrow is our first day.

At least I'm doing something.

Pulling yourself up

Draft of chapter 1 finished. By finished I mean that it seems to have almost what I want to be in there. Let's not talk about well said and so.

Working on next chapter, definition of the problem, is being harder. I decided to finish the part I know better: syntax, semantics, etc. Then attack the approaches I have to review for sure. Finally, I'll put everything in perspective. That's far harder.

In practice, I'll collect comments we have made across all the papers we have published, to have something to work on. That would not be enough. When I started working on this problem, I just knew its definition and have a minimal idea of its relation with other topics. Increasingly, reading papers and working myself, I started to understand what was going around. Now, writing the dissertation, I need to behave as if it were known territory. It is, somehow, but there are tons of gaps. One thing is to claim something over a coffee or a beer, or to get a feeling while working on specific benchmarks. Totally different is to establish sharp opinions about the work of other people.

Let's not run. Otherwise I'll get stuck again.

(This was written yesterday, on Dec 17th).

Offline and Online

I'm online while writing this. Coming back to the IVIC library to start working on thesis again. Being offline is good for finishing thesis, unless you need to find a reference, of course.

Now that we've got a car, it took me 15m to arrive here. (Well, leaving home at 10.30 really helped). The mountains are on my left side, the journals on my right. The main distraction, being connected, is at home and at office. Some of them are with me anyway. First, myself, wondering about pregnancy of birds (a made phrase we use in Venezuela). There is also a document on my Desktop title "Como escribir para la Web" (How to write for the Web). On my left there is some material I have to read for the new theology course we, me and my wife, just started. That's for the brake.

The fear has also come with me. The immobility, the inability of doing something towards finishing. In the last few days I had at least a warming up session, considering some problems we have for a paper for next IJCAI conference.

So, I'm connecting myself now to the thesis world. Let's try to do one step today.

(This was written on 16/12/2008)

Pain, Fear, Hope

It's been almost a month since last post. That density is proportional to the amount of work done. I feel almost stuck, with some episodes of awareness. Episodes that have been sign of hope, but that have cause no real change so far.

Overwhelmed

I guess it has to happen. I though it was going to be different this
time. Anyway, I feel deeply and widely overwhelmed by the situation.
I've started to convert my articles into chapters, and writing
introductory material for everything. It's like being on a building that
just blew up and you have never seen. Getting some readable and
convincing sounds like creating a building from these pieces.

On the other hand, there is the course we are having now. I feel
terribly sad about my students, specially those who work very hard, and
got frustrated about yesterday exam. Something is terribly bad, and it's
my duty to try to fix it. Nothing personal. It is just not normal that
most people that will pass the course, have seen it three times. What do
we really need of them to learn? That's not clear for me. Anyway, I'm
starting teaching next week, and I'll do my best.

Bad combo on having a thesis to write on the same time. Bye, bye to
submitting something in January.

There were interesting projects that are starting to appear around me.
Not yet. So, they are officially filed until I get some speed on the
main task I have to work on.

Of course, I shall overcome all this. I know. It's just hard nowadays.